11 Types of Bandmates You Should Kick Out of the Band Immediately

1. The Good Guy

Kick out the Good Guy right away. He’s the one the concert promoter comes to see after the show with the unfortunate news that the turnout was disappointing, and if the band would settle for €25 gas money and a voucher for a hot dog instead of the agreed upon €500, that would be awesome. The good-for-nothing Good Guy will accept, of course. Whereas the appropriate response would have been: "Give me that hot dog voucher and go and get me the other €475, you cheapskate!”

2. The Boozer

Band = booze. It's okay. But show a chronic alkie the door immediately. Unlike the Good Guy, this one make will make sure the band gets paid. Because he's planning to spend it all on booze. You'll be left with nothing but eyes red from crying, a hot dog voucher, and a fine from the rental company because you returned the van covered in vomit.

3. The Know-It-All

If you have a Know-It-All in the band, then you have to ask yourself why you didn’t ask them to go find another band ages ago. The Know-It-All understands gear and instruments better than anyone, and they know how YOU should set your equalizer and what you should play when. Know-It-Alls reveal themselves by stepping down from the stage during the sound check so that they can listen to themselves. They will critically review what it sounds like in the auditorium and either nod approvingly or go smart-mouth the sound engineer. Most likely the latter.

4. The Big Talker

The Big Talker has a grandma who has a friend who has a nephew who has a friend who plays in a band that almost made it to Glastonbury the year before last, so through them you will most certainly get booked their next year. You don’t want a Big Talker in your band, because they will do nothing but butter you up while you remain poor.

5. The Downer

“We already played there! And it was shit.” “Nobody ever goes to that club.” “The sound is awful here.” The Downer knows everything. Best. And first. The Law of Resonance may be total bullshit, but in this case it actually does apply. The Downer’s resonance will make the entire universe turn against your band. Kick them out and ceremonially burn their gear!

6. The Masochist

Sure, a concert is supposed to be exciting and sometimes your fingers bleed, that's fine. But it's not okay to get pierced, hanged, humiliated or sprayed with pig's blood on stage. Fire the masochist or you'll be hanging upside down on stage before you know it.

7. The Non-Driver

Out with them. Over time, the non-driver will drive you crazy. The burden of driving should be fairly borne by the entire band. And the perpetually drunk non-driver will constantly upset that balance of responsibility. Fire them.

8. The Mercenary

His minimum fee is €250 for a gig, even if it was arranged by the Good Guy who managed to squeeze out only €25 for gas. The Mercenary's a pro. The only advantage is you don't need to fire them. You just don't pay them and they walk out on their own. To their wedding band.

9. The Secret Agent

This type will first establish a sophisticated system of infractions, misdemeanors, and sanctions which will be vigorously enforced. And then all you hear is: "You're late for rehearsal! Pay the fine," or "You missed the third chord in the second song, didn't you? Pay the fine," or "Is that already your third beer before the concert? Pay the fine."

10. The Egomaniac

Wash your hands and instruments off all egomaniacs. If they don't succeed in sneaking their own name into the band's name, at least they will sneak their seven-minute solo into every song. Even during soundcheck, they will show off their tapping, hammering, picking, fisting... All the usual guitar porn. As soon as the egomaniac starts playing a solo with the guitar behind their head, throw them off the stage. Immediately.

11. The D*ckhead

A band is a second family and the bond between musicians is sacrosanct. There is no room for d*ckheads here.

What types of people would you never tolerate in your band? Share them with us in the comments.