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25 Jokes Only Musicians Will Understand

Drummers, who do you reckon is most often the butt of the joke? Don't worry, I'm not going to regurgitate classics like: "A drummer and a bassist fall off a skyscraper..." I went for a conductor and a melon falling off a skyscraper instead. Here's a selection of 25 saucy burns for you that pick on instruments and musical professions across the spectrum. Musicians, enjoy.

1. What do you call a musician who broke up with their partner?

2. What do you call that beautiful blonde on the bass player's shoulder?
A tattoo.

3. What's the last thing a drummer says before getting kicked out of a band?
Guys, when are we going to record my songs?

4. What’s the difference between a piano player and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a piano player.

5. What is the difference between terrorists and accordionists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

6. What do philosophers and drummers have in common?
Both think of time as an abstract concept.

7. Why are some people prejudiced towards banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.

8. What is the difference between a trumpet and a jet plane?
About three decibels.

9. What’s the definition of a minor second interval?
Two soprano saxophonists playing the same part.

10. What's the difference between a mid-range rocket and a bad solo guitarist?
The guitarist could actually kill you.

11. What do you call a guitarist who only knows two chords?
A music critic.

12. What’s the best way to protect your Stradivarius from thieves?
Keep it in a viola case.

13. What’s the difference between a dead chicken and a dead trombonist on the road?
With the chicken, there was at least a possibility that it was on its way to a gig.

14. What’s the definition of optimism?
A bass trombonist with a pocket planner.

15. What do you throw to a drowning bassist?
His amplifier.

16. How do you make a three piece horn section play properly?
You shoot two of them.

17. How do you know there’s a drummer at your door?
The knocking speeds up.

18. "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a guitar player!"
"But darling, you can’t do both..."

19. Why is an orgasm like a drum solo?
Because you can tell it's coming, but there's no way to stop it.

20. Who can call himself a successful musician?
The one whose partner has two jobs.

21. What does a timpanist say when they finally get a job?
Would you like fries with that, sir?

22. What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
A cello takes longer to burn.

23. If you drop a conductor and a watermelon from a skyscraper at the same moment, who will hit the ground first?
Does it matter?

24. Why do bagpipers walk when they’re playing?
To get away from that awful sound.

25. Why can't a gorilla play the trumpet?
Because gorillas are too sensitive.


If you know a joke that deserves to be shared, bring it on. Share it in the comments below the article.


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Marek Bero
Bass Gym 101 books, touring & session bass player, football tactics aficionado.